Wednesday, March 11, 2009

She's mighty mighty...

The cute little toes that were once attached to my feet have been replaced with pudgy vienna sausages. If I still possessed the ability to reach my feet, I might consider eating those delicious little meat sticks that are my toes. But it seems, touching my feet is not part of God's plan right now. Likewise, my ankles have been devoured by my calves, and I now have the sexiest cankles this side east of the Mississippi. I don't know how my husband keeps his hands off me lately, such is my hotness.

Oh yes, now I know his secret! He has eyes! It occurs to me that I wore only a black sports bra and black elastic band running shorts while we mulched the front yard in the 80 degree weather last Sunday. I donned this highly provocative outfit for a couple of reasons:

1) I am the color of paste.

2) I read that the baby can see light through my belly and I wanted him to see as much of the sunlight as possible so it doesn't freak him out as much a few weeks from now when he sees the light of day.

3) I like to make my husband blush.

4) I have no shame.

5) I enjoy punishing our neighbors for their nosiness by making their corneas bleed.

Anyway, all I can do is laugh and make fun of myself for being a brick-house. But the baby is good. I had an appointment just yesterday and measured 34.5 cm at a little over 36 weeks---so still small, but growing.

We're still spending most of our time reading and preparing for labor. The books seem to break up each stage of labor first addressing the woman in very scientific detail as to what is happening in the womb before addressing what the labor companion can be doing to help at the various stages. I find myself leafing through the stages to find that next labor companion section because they are very helpful indeed. Here's a sample of what I have learned about how Dave will spend the labor process:

-Encourage her and tell her what a great job she is doing. Do not take it personally if she throws blunt objects in your general direction.

-Signal to her that a contraction has ended by patting her abdomen, unless she attempts to bite you when you do that. It's not a good idea to jokingly ask the nurse for a muzzle either. No one thinks your "joke" is funny.

-Whisper to her an "I love you" from time to time. Rather than her normal response, she may tell you that she wishes certain parts of your body would fall off. Further, she may threaten to remove parts of your body in your sleep. She is just joking of course, but keep your distance just in case.

-Feed her ice chips to keep her fluid levels up and help her keep cool. If she tries to shove the cup of ice chips into your nether regions, she is trying to let you know she is not thirsty or hot after all. Also, this is all your fault.

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