I dare you to google Kegelmaster 2000

A good friend of mine shared a beautiful sentiment with me tonight. She said her greatest Christmas wish for me is that I will be able to do my kegel exercises everyday so that I will not have to endure any peeing of my pants after giving birth. Doesn't that just warm your heart and fill you with the spirit of the season? I am thinking of sending in this story to my local news for their nightly human interest segment just because I want to touch others and inspire them to be kind to their fellow man. I had to break it to her that it's too late for me, I'm already peeing a bit half the time I sneeze. I now have an irrational fear of sneezing for this very reason. On a clear night you can hear me across the valley bellowing "noooooooooooooooo" in slow motion followed by a quick "achoo" and then a "damn it!"

But the true heartfelt goodness of my story is this: even after telling her that I'm already peeing my pants a little, this kind and giving woman still let me borrow countless pairs of her maternity pants. Oh, even writing about it gets me all choked up all over again.

I try to do my kegel exercises, really I do. I know they are important and will have an impact on my bladder functionality for the rest of my life. But, they're haaaaaaaaaaard! I complain to my husband about them all the time. I don't think he understands the difficulty involved in willing your internal muscles to flex. The only similar thing boys can compare it to is flexing their, you know, thingamajig. For girls, exercising their pelvic floor muscles is not like flexing an external body part...because we're talking about internal flexion here. It's like willing your heart to beat an extra beat or flexing your kidneys by sheer determination using only the power of your mind.

According to the directions I've researched online (yes, I have entirely too much time on my hands) you are not supposed to hold your breath or flex your butt muscles or abs when you do your kegels. So if you are doing either of these no-nos, I'm afraid you are doing them wrong and more than likely a urine-filled fate will befall you. Also, you are supposed to contract the muscle and hold it for 5 seconds before releasing and repeat like a million times. Actually, the website I was reading recommended quitting your day job and dedicating all of your time to flexing your pelvic floor muscles. Because you know, if you don't you may as well start clipping those Depends coupons out of the Sunday fliers is all I'm saying. With that said, it should come as no surprise that I'm putting my two week notice in tomorrow. Soon I will be the pelvic floor muscle champion of the world!

Disclaimer: Please don't call me and ask me why I'm quitting my job. It was a joke. Also, no pants were soiled during the writing of this post.