Today's post is brought to you by the number one

The bean is not so much the size of a bean anymore. There is a tiny human the size of an heirloom tomato or a can of red bull chilling out in my uterus. Although I’ve never had an heirloom tomato sit directly on top of my bladder before, I imagine it would feel a lot like this. Except my heirloom tomato has tiny feet that think my bladder is a soccer ball.

Apparently, the kid has a functioning bladder of it's own now and is actively peeing inside of me. That's kind of a strange thing to think about. I mean it would upset me a great deal if a person on the outside of my body peed on me (other than a child I should say, not that I encourage children to pee on me, but you know what I mean). But already I've given this kid a license to pee INSIDE of me! Wow, unconditional love is so real to me now. From what the doctor told me, they just pee right into the amniotic fluid they are surrounded in. I suppose it's a lot like peeing in a pool in that way. You would think that peeing in a pool would be a more acceptable practice considering we all begin life submerged in our own pee.

Along with being able to urinate, the bean can hear loud noises like my voice now too. And I can feel this little tot too. Not so much kicks yet, but I can feel the weight of it.

Perhaps we can all finally agree that life really starts when a fetus starts peeing and hearing. What I mean is, I don't think "life" starts as early as when two cells unite and not as late as when the pregnancy becomes viable around 6 months (per Roe v. Wade). See how I put life in quotes like that, pretty tricky huh? By life I don't just mean something that exists, but something that thinks, feels, hears and pees. Just a thought, but if we could all agree that life starts when an unborn child begins interacting with its in utero environment, we could probably save the world a whole lot of strife. I guess it's really just meeting half way between the two conflicting schools of thought on this. Who would have thought a compromise would be the answer and it would involve peeing! Wow, that was one hell of a segue---from pee to right-to-life issues.

Just a little disclaimer, I'm certainly not trying to express a well thought out opinion either way, as you may have noticed with my inclusion of pee to the discussion. Really, I just feel slightly ripped off that I will have carried this kid inside me for about nine months when it pops out, and then it's only 1 day old? Huh? Who did the math on that? Obviously, this mathematician was not a mother. I feel like this child should get credit for good behavior and time served---even if it's just half the time spent in womb.

Still sort of on the subject of ol' number one, I have to take a urine test every time I go to the doc. So as soon as I arrive, I sign in and immediately stand in line to wait my turn for the bathroom. For the record, I am a master urine test taker. If you've ever been ahead of me in line for a urine test, I want you to know that I am timing you with my mind when it's your turn. So no pressure. But you always take way too long. What are you doing in there anyway? Just to prove to you how long you took, I enjoy marveling everyone with my speed and efficiency of writing my name on and peeing in a cup as fast as womanly possible. In my mind, when everyone hears that door latch click open as I emerge from my test victorious, they all turn their heads and think, "that woman is the fastest urine test taker mine eyes have ever seen!" Actually, they probably question whether I have really washed my hands because how could I have done all of that in a mere minute? I know. It's amazing really. Any talent requires practice---years of grueling training, some tears and a lot of spare urine of course.