Friday, November 28, 2008

Holy Moley

It's that time again, time for reading all about my latest weird pregnancy symptoms!

Trickle down urination---I have to confess to being one of those callous jerks that laughed throughout the Flomax commercials before I understood the shame that is light flow during urination. At that time, the horrible sounding side effects of the medication didn't seem worth it to achieve the thunderous gushes of urine flow that the commercials promised. But now I get it.

Picture it if you will, you're at work and you know you've got to go to the bathroom. But you keep putting it off and promising your bladder to relieve it after you just finish this one last thing...okay one more thing...just finish that one last task and you swear you will go to the bathroom. (Seriously, am I the only weirdo that refuses to pee until I'm on the brink of peeing my pants?) Anyway, when you can put it off no longer and your bladder is on the verge of explosion, you finally give in. And just as the sweet sound of relief is heard below, you realize it is not as sweet sounding as it once was. What should be torrents of water flowing out of you, inspiring you to think about the possibility of a bathroom-grade hydroelectric power plant, is barely a trickle. The amount of waste water that should be barely containable by the porcelain bowl beneath, in actuality could only fill the most delicate and tiny tea cup. It's sad folks. Peeing has become boring and anticlimactic. No wonder I put off doing it.

Spontaneous moles---This particular pregnancy symptom is probably the scariest to me for both valid health reasons and superficial vanity reasons as well.

First a quick memory that has nothing to do with anything really. Back when I was in school, there were two different substitute teachers that were cursed with some very protruding facial moles (I'm not talking the Cindy Crawford well-placed tiny mole here either). While these particular substitutes were not the nicest of ladies, I always secretly felt sad for them. At that age, I had all kinds of delightfully horrible skin to deal with, but at least acne is temporary (or so I was told by lying liars) and I could attempt to conceal it. So I knew all too well the havoc that facial skin flaws could wreak on a person's self esteem. Speaking of which, that magical clear complexion transformation I always expected on my eighteenth birthday never happened. What up skin? And why did you lie to me like that lying liars that lied and told me my bad skin was a phase? Anyway, my point is, even as a selfish teenager, I felt an odd kinship with these substitute teachers. We were both wearing our human flaws all over our faces for all to see and judge. At that point, it became a fear of mine that later in life i would develop protruding facial moles.

Spring forward sixteen years later to when I get pregnant and I realize moles really do just spontaneously appear (although only on my body so far). I understand that some of them go away after pregnancy, which I hope is the case. But it's a little freaky, especially given my fear of skin cancer from many years stupidly spent not wearing sunscreen and baking in the sun. Have you ever googled "skin cancer symptoms"? Yeah don't. I give in to the google demon a couple of times a year when I notice some new mark or dry patch and this spontaneous appearance of moles is not helping my phobia in the least. One thing is certain though. My kid will be bathed in sunscreen and will have a sun visor surgically attached at the head. Also if burkas come in infant sizes I may pick up one or two.

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